On my last day...

on my last day, I want to be able to explain to to-go customers why they are dumber than a sack of rocks. It will go something like this...

Waitress: What can I get for you?
Stupid Customer: A fettuccine alfredo, a manicotti, and some extra fettuccine sauce
W:You mean alfredo sauce?
SC: What?
W: you see, stupid customer, fettuccine is pasta, and alfredo is sauce. When you order fettuccine alfredo, it is fettuccine pasta and alfredo sauce. Therefor there is no such thing as fettuccine sauce. Would you like soup or salad with those?
SC: Oh, then I guess I want alfredo sauce. And I want two soups, the FAG-ioli and the Guh-noch-ee.
W: Alright fuckface, anything else?
SC: Oh yeah, LOTS of breadsticks!!
W: Well, each of your entrees come with two bread sticks, and your "fettuccine" sauce comes with 4 more. You can purchase additional bread sticks by the half dozen or full dozen, how many would you like to add?
SC: WHAT? They aren't free?
W: No.
SC: But if I come in don't I get as many as I want?
W: Yes, that's part of the dine-in experience, for to go orders, it's 2 per entree
SC: That is so rediculous, I can't believe it! If I came in here and sat down I could eat soup, salad and bread until I shit myself but you are telling me that I only get two with my entree?! That makes no sense!
W: Well, dumbass, if you think about it, it does make perfect sense. What do you think would happen if you went to a buffet and asked for a to go order, as much as you could carry? They would laugh at you. Why don't you go to the mexican restaurant down the street and ask them to fill the back of your pickup truck with chips and salsa and see how well that goes over. Do you honestly think we just give you as many bread sticks and as much soup and salad as you want with to go orders? You could ask for all the bread sticks in the building, a bathtub full of soup and ten bajillion pounds of salad. This is a business, we are here to make a profit, and it is not profitable to give you all you want for a to go order. When you dine in, we are throwing so much other food at you that you get full enough that most people wont eat a substantial number of breadsticks, and if you ask to take more home than what is left on your table, you will also be charged. Why don't you pull your head out of your ass and think before you speak to me again. K?
SC: Oh, I guess I better go jump off a cliff because I am obviously an inferior member of the human race
W: Yes, please do!!


Please comment with your "on my last day..." desires

Here, also, is an actual word-for-word exchange between myself, Bitch Manager, and a bartender.

BM (to bartender): Oh, I just saw a note that Apathetic Manager wanted me or Crazy GM to do the liquor order for her since she is on vacation. I guess I'll have to count it tomorrow. Do you work tomorrow?
Bartender: No, it's Female Bartender and Other Female Bartender
BM: Oh, then I'll just make them do it for me ha ha (super evil laugh and super evil look)
Waitress: That's not very nice Bitch Manager, they have enough side work
BM: I never said I was nice. If they don't want to do it i'll just say "sorry, did you want to work Wednesday nights?"
W: You ever hear of that saying "you catch more flies with honey...?"
BM: What?
W: I don't know the rest of it
BM: See, you don't even know it. Whatever, I'll ask them nicely and if they say no I'll tell them I wasn't really asking, I was telling

I had to leave the bar to keep from getting myself into trouble. For those who are unaware, it is the Bar Manager's responsibility to count liquor, and she isn't in charge of the bar anymore, or it's schedule, so she is threatening to manipulate another manager's schedule if the bartenders don't do side work that another manager asked HER to do for them. Classic.

Also, a busser (no names) told me this fun story about our favorite CT and "service go-getter"

He was her busser, and as happens to those of us who are humans and not robots, he had to pee. So he went (duh!). When he came back, CT bitch freaked on him "where were you? There are tables that need bussed, we're on a wait!" So of course he just tells her he had to pee, no biggie right? Nope! "you should have told me or someone, you can't just go to the bathroom whenever you want, you have to have someone covering for you!" Really? now she is in charge of when we take a leak? So what did he tell her?

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Amen, brother. We have all been thinking it, and you said it.