100 things we should (supposedly) never do

The following is a list of '100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do' compiled by Bruce Bushel, a restaurateur. I'm sure the place he is running is super fancy, not a shithole like the IR. But nonetheless, I thought it would be fun to compare this list with our amazing and highly successful 'service standards.'

1. Do not let anyone enter the restaurant without a warm greeting. Duh.
2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?” Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar.I find that more often than the staff making the singleton feel bad, they make us feel awkward by saying "it's just me tonight, I'm all alone!!"
3. Never refuse to seat three guests because a fourth has not yet arrived. Even if those three people are going to 'wait' for the 4th for 45 minutes to an hour, soaking up my table and any tips I could have made in that time? The IR claims they will seat a party when half has arrived, but in truth one person could sit at a set-up for 25 for an hour if they wanted, we let people do whatever they please.

4. If a table is not ready within a reasonable length of time, offer a free drink and/or amuse-bouche. The guests may be tired and hungry and thirsty, and they did everything right. What's a "reasonable time?" If they have to wait two hours to get their 17-top sat I don't think we should give them shit. It's the nature of the business, bucko. Also, wait times are "quotes," they are not guaranteed to be accurate. We don't have a crystal ball telling us who will camp and who will eat and go.
5. Tables should be level without anyone asking. Fix it before guests are seated....is this a frequent problem? Maybe you should buy nicer tables...
6. Do not lead the witness with, “Bottled water or just tap?” Both are fine. Remain neutral. No upsell, huh? I doubt our management would encourage us not to do this.
7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.well, we must announce our name, and if it weren't jokes, flirting and cuteness how the hell would we make any money?!
8. Do not interrupt a conversation. For any reason. Especially not to recite specials. Wait for the right moment. So when the rude as bitches literally WILL NOT SHUT UP every single time I come to their table, what should I do? They act like I am invisible, but I bet if I just don't come back they will be angry that I didn't take their order. The right moment is when I am ready and able to take it. They can shove it.
9. Do not recite the specials too fast or robotically or dramatically. It is not a soliloquy. This is not an audition.
10. Do not inject your personal favorites when explaining the specials.uh...no recommendations? Also something we are required to do.
11. Do not hustle the lobsters. That is, do not say, “We only have two lobsters left.” Even if there are only two lobsters left.
12. Do not touch the rim of a water glass. Or any other glass. Duh.
13. Handle wine glasses by their stems and silverware by the handles. Super Duh.
14. When you ask, “How’s everything?” or “How was the meal?” listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right. "How is everything tasting?" "This tastes like shit." "Wonderful, I'll be right back with more bread."
15. Never say “I don’t know” to any question without following with, “I’ll find out.”
16. If someone requests more sauce or gravy or cheese, bring a side dish of same. No pouring. Let them help themselves. What if I just pour it right on their ass? That saves their body the hassle of metabolizing it into the fat it will become there.
17. Do not take an empty plate from one guest while others are still eating the same course. Wait, wait, wait. Wow, also something we would actually get in trouble for doing. Prebuss like it's going out of style!
18. Know before approaching a table who has ordered what. Do not ask, “Who’s having the shrimp?”
19. Offer guests butter and/or olive oil with their bread. I think there's enough already slathered on it.
20. Never refuse to substitute one vegetable for another.
21. Never serve anything that looks creepy or runny or wrong. I would really like to see a dish that looks "creepy." Does it leer at you and ask for your phone number?
22. If someone is unsure about a wine choice, help him. That might mean sending someone else to the table or offering a taste or two.
23. If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc.Wow, no one would do this. Ever. Steam it with what?! Hold it over a cup of hot tea for an hour? Or are we supposed to have some special label steamer? How about I just write it down for ya?
24. Never use the same glass for a second drink.
25. Make sure the glasses are clean. Inspect them before placing them on the table.
26. Never assume people want their white wine in an ice bucket. Inquire.
27. For red wine, ask if the guests want to pour their own or prefer the waiter to pour.
28. Do not put your hands all over the spout of a wine bottle while removing the cork.
29. Do not pop a champagne cork. Remove it quietly, gracefully. The less noise the better.
30. Never let the wine bottle touch the glass into which you are pouring. No one wants to drink the dust or dirt from the bottle.
31. Never remove a plate full of food without asking what went wrong. Obviously, something went wrong.
32. Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them. What if you spill red wine on the crotch of their pants? Can't you just discreetly suck it out of the fabric? No use letting it go to waste!
33. Do not bang into chairs or tables when passing by.Oh shit, I do this all the time! I like to play pinball where I am the ball and the tables are the little flappers. No shit sherlock!!
34. Do not have a personal conversation with another server within earshot of customers. "Oh my God, I was so drunk last night I don't even remember it but my asshole hurts so bad, I think it might have been a DP with those two guys I....oh sorry what? Oh sure I'll get you some more bread in just a second, so anyways I wake up this morning..."
35. Do not eat or drink in plain view of guests.
36. Never reek from perfume or cigarettes. People want to smell the food and beverage.
37. Do not drink alcohol on the job, even if invited by the guests. “Not when I’m on duty” will suffice.
38.Do not call a guy a “dude.”
39. Do not call a woman “lady.”
40. Never say, “Good choice,” implying that other choices are bad. "Ah the Steak Gorgonzola, that's a perfectly normal choice madam, absolutely as good as anything else, no better or worse."
41. Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do.    
42. Do not compliment a guest’s attire or hairdo or makeup. You are insulting someone else. "Oh my god I love your makeup! Well it's not really that great but it sure does look good next to your friend hatchet-face over here!"
43. Never mention what your favorite dessert is. It’s irrelevant.What if you mention that the tiramisu tastes like bread soaked in water from a wet dog? Is that relevant?
44. Do not discuss your own eating habits, be you vegan or lactose intolerant or diabetic. "Oh is the fettuccine alfredo good? I don't really know, if I ate that much dairy I would probably get diarrhea."
45. Do not curse, no matter how young or hip the guests. "Sup bitches?!!!"
46. Never acknowledge any one guest over and above any other. All guests are equal.
47. Do not gossip about co-workers or guests within earshot of guests.
48. Do not ask what someone is eating or drinking when they ask for more; remember or consult the order.
49. Never mention the tip, unless asked.
50. Do not turn on the charm when it’s tip time. Be consistent throughout.
51. If there is a service charge, alert your guests when you present the bill. It’s not a secret or a trick.Fuck that. Days when I get tipped double on top of grat are the absolute best. It says Gratuity and the amount HUGE on the credit slip, as well as the menu stating it will be applied for parties of 8 or more. It's not my fault stupid people don't pay attention!!
52. Know your menu inside and out. If you serve Balsam Farm candy-striped beets, know something about Balsam Farm and candy-striped beets.Should I know something about the collection and distribution process of table salt too?
53. Do not let guests double-order unintentionally; remind the guest who orders ratatouille that zucchini comes with the entree.

54. If there is a prix fixe, let guests know about it. Do not force anyone to ask for the “special” menu.
55. Do not serve an amuse-bouche without detailing the ingredients. Allergies are a serious matter; peanut oil can kill. (This would also be a good time to ask if anyone has any allergies.) I'm hoping someone with a deadly allergy will let me know. If they don't, I will consider it natural selection.
56. Do not ignore a table because it is not your table. Stop, look, listen, lend a hand. (Whether tips are pooled or not.)
57. Bring the pepper mill with the appetizer. Do not make people wait or beg for a condiment. okay, I will just carry ketchup, a pepper mill, marinara, alfredo, parmesean peppercorn, ranch, A1, worcestershire, oil and vinegar, pepper flakes and tobasco on me at all times, so they never have to wait or "beg"
58. Do not bring judgment with the ketchup. Or mustard. Or hot sauce. Or whatever condiment is requested. Sorry but when people ask for ketchup for their salad, I'm gonna make a face. That shit is nasty.
59. Do not leave place settings that are not being used.
60. Bring all the appetizers at the same time, or do not bring the appetizers. Same with entrees and desserts.
61. Do not stand behind someone who is ordering. Make eye contact. Thank him or her.
62. Do not fill the water glass every two minutes, or after each sip. You’ll make people nervous.
62. Do not let a glass sit empty for too long. Don't fill it too often but don't let it be empty, just be perfect in every way!!
63. Never blame the chef or the busboy or the hostess or the weather for anything that goes wrong. Just make it right. Hey, sometimes it really is someone's fault!
64. Specials, spoken and printed, should always have prices.
65. Always remove used silverware and replace it with new.
66. Do not return to the guest anything that falls on the floor — be it napkin, spoon, menu or soy sauce.
67. Never stack the plates on the table. They make a racket. Shhhhhh.
68. Do not reach across one guest to serve another. What if they are in a booth? I say 'excuse my reach' whenever I do so, and I think that's good enough.
69. If a guest is having trouble making a decision, help out. If someone wants to know your life story, keep it short. If someone wants to meet the chef, make an effort."I was born, I exsited, but I never truly lived until I became a server and was able to lick the asshole of every citizen on the daily. The end."
70. Never deliver a hot plate without warning the guest. And never ask a guest to pass along that hot plate. Some people are stupid and when you say "this is a very hot plate, be careful" they hear "please touch this very cool plate, and when it burns you glare at me like I tricked you."
71. Do not race around the dining room as if there is a fire in the kitchen or a medical emergency. (Unless there is a fire in the kitchen or a medical emergency.) Even if either of these things were occurring, no one cares. They just want their food. Like NOW.
72. Do not serve salad on a freezing cold plate; it usually advertises the fact that it has not been freshly prepared.
73. Do not bring soup without a spoon. Few things are more frustrating than a bowl of hot soup with no spoon. They can slurp it up like the pigs they are.
74. Let the guests know the restaurant is out of something before the guests read the menu and order the missing dish.
75. Do not ask if someone is finished when others are still eating that course.
76. Do not ask if a guest is finished the very second the guest is finished. Let guests digest, savor, reflect.
77. Do not disappear.
78. Do not ask, “Are you still working on that?” Dining is not work — until questions like this are asked. Actually if you want to get all literal, it is work. Muscles moving, systems working to break down the food. Just sayin.
79. When someone orders a drink “straight up,” determine if he wants it “neat” — right out of the bottle — or chilled. Up is up, but “straight up” is debatable. If I knew what any of these things meant I may clarify. Guest orders fancy drink, I ring in fancy drink exactly as ordered and let the bartender to the fancifying
80. Never insist that a guest settle up at the bar before sitting down; transfer the tab.
81. Know what the bar has in stock before each meal.
82. If you drip or spill something, clean it up, replace it, offer to pay for whatever damage you may have caused. Refrain from touching the wet spots on the guest. Don't touch their wet spots huh?...I thought they liked that...
83. Ask if your guest wants his coffee with dessert or after. Same with an after-dinner drink.
84. Do not refill a coffee cup compulsively. Ask if the guest desires a refill.
84(a). Do not let an empty coffee cup sit too long before asking if a refill is desired.
85. Never bring a check until someone asks for it. Then give it to the person who asked for it. In my low-class restaurant, if someone has to ask for the check it is usually an indication I am not doing my job right, I should have known they were ready for it.
86. If a few people signal for the check, find a neutral place on the table to leave it.
87. Do not stop your excellent service after the check is presented or paid. You mean keep refilling drinks while the table camps for two hours and loses you two rounds? Fuck that noise.
88. Do not ask if a guest needs change. Just bring the change.
89. Never patronize a guest who has a complaint or suggestion; listen, take it seriously, address it.
90. If someone is getting agitated or effusive on a cellphone, politely suggest he keep it down or move away from other guests.
91. If someone complains about the music, do something about it, without upsetting the ambiance. (The music is not for the staff — it’s for the customers.)
92. Never play a radio station with commercials or news or talking of any kind.
93. Do not play brass — no brassy Broadway songs, brass bands, marching bands, or big bands that feature brass, except a muted flugelhorn. Wow, I had no idea the muted flugelhorn was such a special instrument. Next time someone complains about our lame music, i'll just let them it's a muted flugelhorn, so it's okay
94. Do not play an entire CD of any artist. If someone doesn’t like Frightened Rabbit or Michael Bublé, you have just ruined a meal.
95. Never hover long enough to make people feel they are being watched or hurried, especially when they are figuring out the tip or signing for the check.
96. Do not say anything after a tip — be it good, bad, indifferent — except, “Thank you very much.”
97. If a guest goes gaga over a particular dish, get the recipe for him or her.
98. Do not wear too much makeup or jewelry. You know you have too much jewelry when it jingles and/or draws comments.
99. Do not show frustration. Your only mission is to serve. Be patient. It is not easy.
100. Guests, like servers, come in all packages. Show a “good table” your appreciation with a free glass of port, a plate of biscotti or something else management approves.But I thought everyone was the same, no favoring. I am confused!