Guests Say the Dumbest Things

Ring Ring

Waitress: Thank you for Calling the Italian Restaurant in City, this is Waitress, how can I help you?
Dumb Guest: Yes, I need to place an order to go
W: Okay, what would you like?
DG: I wanted to get your chicken sandwich with the mozzarella sticks
W: I'm sorry, we actually don't have sandwiches
DG: Really? You don't have a chicken sandwich with mozzarella sticks?
W: No, sorry
DG: Are you sure, cause I just saw a commercial for it today
W: Well, the item on our commercials right now are the crepes, one of them has chicken and it's in a white wine cream sauce. That would be what you'd see on TV.
DG: No, no, that's not it. So you don't have anything with mozzarella sticks?
W: Well we have mozzarella triangles that come as an appetizer, you could get them with chicken strips...?
DG: Hm, Well you kinda ruined my plan here, I'm gonna have to call you back
W: Oh, okay, sorry, bye
A few minutes later the phone rings
W: Thank you for calling the Italian Restaurant in City, this is Waitress, how can I help you?
DG: Hi, it's me again. Can I get chicken alfredo?
W: Oh, was that what you were trying to order before?
DG: No, I wanted chicken parmigiana but it sounds like you don't have anything like that
W: Oh, we have chicken parmigiana
DG: Well that's what I wanted!
W: I'm sorry I thought you said you wanted something that came with mozzarella sticks
DG: Yeah, chicken parmagiana!
W: Uh, okay....did you want soup or salad with that?
DG: Soup, and can I get alfredo on the pasta?

Sometimes I actually think people are joking when they do this. Or maybe it will turn out to be Jubal doing a phone tap on me. But people are really just clueless or not paying attention or dumb. This phone call the other day made me reflect back on some of the dumb things my guests have said, as well as reports I've gotten from other people on what their guests said or did. They really do say the darnedest dumbest things.

Waitress: Are we ready to order? What would you like sir?
Guest: Yeah, can I get the steak quesadilla?
Waitress: Um, this is an italian restaurant?

Waiter: What can I get for you ma'am?
Old lady: Can I get linguine with the marijuana sauce?
Whole table bursts out laughing

Guest: I want soup and salad, but I don't really want soup, can I get something else instead?
Waitress: Um, like what?
Guest: Like a pizza?
Waitress: No.

Guest: And I want an appetizer as my meal
Waitress: Did you want to add any soup or salad to that?
Guest: No, I will just eat some of their salad (which is served family style on a per-guest charge)
Waitress: So you want to do an add salad? It's $3 if you want to eat the salad
Guest: No, I don't want to pay for it, I just want to eat some of their salad
Waitress: Okay, then I have to bring a salad for two (there are two guests who ordered salad) and you can't have any refills
Guest: Okay, but can you make the salad extra big?
Waitress: No.

the check is dropped at a three top, a man in his 30's picks it up
Guest: (very rudely) well, do you have a pen or am I supposed to sign it in blood?
Waitress: Actually, I have to run your card first then I would be happy to bring you a pen to sign with
Guest: Oh. sorry.

Waitress: what would you like ma'am?
Guest: I want a bowl of soup and a half a sandwich
W: Do you mean soup and salad? We don't have sandwiches
Guest: Oh yes you do, I sat right over there the other day and had a bowl of soup and a half a sandwich!
W: Ma'am I've worked here for 4 years and in that time we have never had sandwiches.
Guest: Let me talk to your manager!

13 year old boy: So, do you get a lot of phone numbers working here?
Waitress: Uh, no not really. I think other people do sometimes, I never have
Boy: Oh, well, if someone gave you their phone number, would you call them?
Waitress: I don't think my boyfriend would like that very much
Boy: So if I gave you my number, would you call me?
Waitress: no.

I never work before drink!

Ah the IR. Never a shortage of crazies and douchebags, crackheads and drunks. You may think I'm talking about the guests, but today I am talking about my wonderful co-workers. We all know that working in the restaurant industry drives people to drink and do drugs, but usually they keep their recreational activities at home, or at least at a level low enough that no one is aware that they are on anything, they just appear to be having an exceptionally good shift.

Which is totally fine with me, I just have an issue with people walking around so high they look like zombies and making us all look like idiots because they are falling asleep in the side station. Last night, however, the issue was that the ugly side of "chemical alteration" was all up in my business while I was trying to train someone. Let me start from the start...

This week I am training a host to be a To Go specialist, which is cool. I like the break from the mundane everyday grind, and I actually get paid pretty well to do it. Last night we were closing, and while the restaurant was busy but we weren't, I was having her expo so she could get to know what all the dishes look like.

One of our bitter older gentleman coworkers came in to be the breaker. This guy is generally kind of short with everyone, to the point, never smiles, hates his job so he just does it and leaves. But sometimes, he acts kind of "funny." He is all smiley, a little glassy eyed, slurs his speech a bit. One might even surmise that he has been drinking. Okay, everyone can tell that he gets sauced before coming to work at least once a week. Usually just when he is breaker, probably because he figures it doesn't really matter. So he arrives, walks up to me, gets his red ass watery eyes all up in my face and asks "dju wanna brek?" Number one indicator that he is all kinds of fucked up is that I am wearing a black shirt, obviously doing to go, and the breaker doesn't break to go people. Last time he came in drunk he did the same thing, then came and asked me again about 2 minutes later. So anyway, after I remind him that he doesn't break me, he starts poking my upper arm really hard while starting  blankly at it.
"Uh, OW? Can you stop that?"
"Yur a whiney liddle thing aren't cha?"
Another of our coworkers is walking by him just looking tired like everyone always does and he looks at her and says
"You look like hell runover there sunshine"
Fucking great, he is drunk and he's being especially ornery, this will be interesting. He walks around with a shit-eating grin on his face, running food and bothering people. Starts asking the line cooks if their nipples ever get sore...? I go into the side station to get some coffee and he follows me.
"You know, I'm surprised you're not more fit. When you get to be thirty you gotta try harder to get fit. I'd poke your leg but I'd probably get into trouble"
At this point I am just trying to ignore him
"When I moved here from bellingham I was rock solid from all the rock climbing and hiking and whatnot everyone does there"
"Yeah, well I'm not really into all that"
"well...how old are you?"
I ignore him
"I'm gonna go away just tell me real fast"
"I'm 25"
"okay"
he goes back into the alley.
A minute later I also go back to the alley and start expo-ing with my trainee, going a little slower than usual because I am taking time to show her each dish and explain what is in it. He's standing next to me for some goddamn reason, hmming and hawing.
"goddamnit I'm losing my patience here"
"What exactly is it that you are waiting for? Do you need something?"
"Uh, I dunno, God I guess"
"Well you think you could go wait somewhere else?"
At this point I am getting really fucking annoyed because not only is he being rude and obnoxious but he is literally following me and trying to think of rude obnoxious things to say. He even follows me with a tray when the person who's table it is wanted to take it just so he can harass me. We get back to the window in the alley.
"Man, I don't know why I thought you were 30, I guess it must be the lines under the eyes"
"Thanks a lot, that's really nice of you to point that out to me, that's really great."
Now I am just raving mad, I am sick of his shit, and though I am not one to "tattle" on people, I am also not one to sit there and let some drunk asshole tell me that I am out of shape and I look old. So I grab crazy GM and tell her
"Dude is drunk or something, he's being a jerk, saying rude things to everyone and she is literally following me around and saying mean things to me, he needs to go. NOW."
"Okay, okay I'll talk to him"
I go back to expo and she immediately asks to talk to him in the office. They are in there for like 5 minutes then he come out, clocks out and goes. GM comes to me and says she's really sorry that that happened and that he apparently thought he was being funny and fun and trying to entertain people, and that she tried not to tell him who talked to her, but he pretty much knew it was me.
Great.
I'm just hoping he will realize he was being an ass cause he was drunk and just let it go. Out in the world our friends or acquaintances are drunk fuckers all the time and we just let it slide. But when you are at work and you have to involve a manager it's a very different story. Time goes on, the restaurant slows down and we start checking servers out. The phone rings, so my trainee answers it.
"oh, okay, hold on a second"
"It's drunk dude!"
"What?"
"He wants to talk to you!"

Oh god. This is the last thing I want. I am a a very non-confrontational person (though I may not come off that way) and I would really rather just let it go and never mention it again. I really really don't want to talk to him. So my trainee says "you want me to talk to him and pretend to be you?" and I'm thinking, okay, that is the lamest 8th grade thing ever, but I really don't want to talk to him and he probably wont remember it anyway so whatever "Go ahead, just don't really say anything" She picks back up, pretends to be me, and just says "uh huh, uh huh" a few times, then "okay, we'll I appreciate your apologizing and I will just see you next time we work together. Bye" She tells me he said he was really sorry he invaded my space and that he was just joking and he thought I was someone he could joke around with like he does with the guys, but he was wrong and he's sorry.

The thing is that I AM someone you can joke around with. I love pitching people shit, making fun of them in jest, and I can take it as much as I can dish it out. But telling a woman that she is fat and looks old is NOT playful joking around, that's just mean and something he only did because he was fucking drunk. He would NEVER have said any of those things to me if he weren't three sheets to the wind.

A while later he called back again, this time to talk to crazy GM. As far as I was aware, she sent him home because he was being mean, not because he was drunk, because of course GM has no idea how to tell when someone is drunk, and she is so naive it's painful. That actually really pissed me off because as far as I was concerned, the issue was his inebriation, and his behavior was just a symptom of that. But that's how she rolls. Anyway, at the end of the night I asked her what he called back for and she told me that he called to tell her he apologized to me which she had specifically told him not to do, but rather to just let it go. She also told me at that time that when she pulled him into the office to send him home that she did mention that alcohol issue, and told him that other times people have complained about him being rude and obnoxious and have said that they thought he was drunk, so that she would now be "watching" him. We all know what that means. Absolutely nothing.

What kind of pisses me off more than anything is that he gets drunk, drives to work, then drives home. Drunk driving enrages me like none other. He is just an ultra douche.

And I have to work with him tonight. I really really hope he just acts like nothing happens and doesn't talk to me. I have a feeling I wont be so lucky.

If you REALLY love your mom, cook for her

Ah, Mother's Day. THE busiest day of the year. And why is this? Because women remember EVERYTHING.

I know my man hates it. I can recall something specific he said at the drop of a dime.

"No, we did NOT agree I would pick up stamps! You said 'can you pick up stamps' and I said 'no because I am meeting Other Waitress for dinner after work and I wont want to go by the store after' and you said 'but I really need to send these bills out first thing tomorrow' and I said 'well then it sounds like you need to go pick up stamps' and you said 'okay, but then you are cleaning the kitchen'!!"

We can recall the exact details of what we were doing, eating and drinking the night we first said 'i love you', what actually started that big argument we had last year and that really lame gift you got us for our first Christmas together.

And yes, we fully intend to use this proclivity to remember everything against you at will. So when we become mommies (meaning we also remember all the annoying/mean/embarrassing crap our kids put us through), we expect you to make Mother's day the bomb (dot com) for two reasons; 1)to make up for the crappy gift you gave us for our first Christmas and 2) To prevent future retorts of "and you didn't even do anything special for Mother's day!"

Now I am not a momma (yet). But I have one, and she has ninja skills in this category (and so I can say 'I got it from my momma!). She still remembers her birthday in 1992 when she told my dad "I don't want anything" and he actually didn't get her anything. Seriously Dad?! He can never live that one down!

Which leads me back to my original declaration that Mother's Day is the busiest because Dad's and kids know that if they don't make it memorable they will be hearing about it for years to come.

I don't know how things were on the floor, from what I hear food came out slow so tables didn't turn and no one made any money, and I also think that we were just on like a 30-45 minute wait most of the day which is slow for a mother's day. But I was in To Go land, and I got the beat down.

I was flying solo due to another To Go Spec who consistently calls out last minute, and called out for this whole epic weekend. The morning shift was so slow they figured I would be okay by myself. I came in a two and I rode it out for awhile, got busy at like 3 or 4, was running probably seven orders at once, answering the phone, getting paged too much, running running running. Like I was literally dripping sweat running (good thing I didn't bother working out before my shift, turns out I didn't need to). I finally got it under control, had three orders that I wasn't expecting picked up for awhile, I made it! I figured I was done for the night, man it must be like 8pm by now or something. I look at the clock. It's 5:30. WHAT THE FUCK! I have only been here for 3.5 hours?! I feel like I just ran a marathon (as if I would know what that's like, ha).  I see a manager so I take the opportunity to hand over my pager and have her listen for the phone while I make a quick trip to the bathroom. While I am back there, I hear the phone ringing. stops. ringing, ringing, ringing, stops. ringing ringing, ringing, ringing, ringing. Holy scheiss kopf!

I get back out there and the manager (it was BM if you need a visual) has like 4 orders written down and the phone is ringing again the second she hangs it up. I start prepping orders, she keeps taking them. I am hoping she doesn't think she is leaving me in the middle of this mess, as there is no way I can run orders out if the phone is ringing like that. Thankfully, since every manager was on duty, she stayed right there and took order after order while I bagged them and ran them out. I would get paged five times, go out and collect five payments at once, come to the back and bag up five orders, get paged twice more while I was bagging up the first five, and run them out with a smile. Thank the baby Jesus that everyone was nice, even one lady who called back to say that her entrees were really dry and was wanting to come pick up some extra sauce for them. The madness stopped at around 8:30, but the restaurant was still pretty busy until we closed at ten. I have not been so exhausted in a long time.

The super amazing bonus to this is that it is against company policy for managers to accept tips, so because it was BM helping me, I didn't have to tip out! Whohoo! I did well, we will leave it at that.

And as I say every year, I hope I am not still serving next Mother's Day. Maybe someday I can actually spend it with my wonderful Mother, that would be excellent.