Managers; the Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I have worked at 4 Italian Restaurants in about 2.5 years. From this I have gathered some knowledge of the general categories of managers you see frequenting these establishments. Feel free to elaborate.

The "Cool Young Manager"
This manager is a 20-something, just like you! You have so much in common! They can share with you all their deepest relationship fears and how they are trying to lose weight and that they stayed a virgin until they were married. They will ask advice on what to get their husband/boyfriend/mom for their birthday and that they just went of birth control to try and get pregnant and they actually think the GM is a big douche. You two are just BFF, it's like they are your friend more than your manager, really. You're pretty sure you can get away with a lot more than everyone else because you and the manager are tight. That is until someone else is watching them watch you do something "bad." Then they write you up to make a point and while you are signing the write up they ask where is a good place to take their husband/boyfriend/mom for their birthday dinner? Cause they want it to be really special.

The "I Never Wanted to Be a Manager" Manager
This manager, unlike others, does not get off on telling people what to do and making labor hours and pleasing guests. In fact, they care about all this possibly less than the average server. They only became a manager because the pay was good and then they could tell themselves they have a "real" job whereas serving is not a "real" job. When you come to them with an angry guest or a fucked up entree or ahhhh, we have no alfredo!! They give you tortured look as though they would rather be cleaning the deep fryer than dealing with this crap.  They move at a glacial pace, never yell, have a hard time kissing the guests ass and spend a lot of time in the office doing "paper work" because they honestly could. not. give. a. fuck. This is usually everyone's favorite manager because you can stand in the alley and yell "MOTHERFUCKER COCKSUCKER DONKEY BALLS" while making salad with your bare hands and scooping ice with a glass and they will hardly even look at you.

The "Five Alarm Fire" Manager
This manager acts like it's 7:30 on a Saturday we are on a two hour wait and we are 86 lasa and the coke machine just broke again, ALL THE TIME. Even if we are dead they are running laps freaking out with a look of terror on their face. In most instances this person is the GM, oddly enough. If there is even one person waiting to be sat, the hosts get the third degree "what do we have open? Who's on? What's happening?" Anyone seen standing around is a direct threat to the possible resolution of this serious situation. evil stare "Can you get that food out of the window please??!??!??!." Uh, there is one thing in the window, okay, I will get right on that...When they approach you they are searching for something to criticize. There must be something you are doing or not doing that is impeding on their vision of being the BEST RESTAURANT EVER! Where is your button? Are those slip resistant shoes? Your shirt is dirty! No paisley ties! Don't just stand there, DO SOMETHING. They also find pleasure in really random things, like counting how many kinds of cheese are in the restaurant (30 something) or finding an industrial degreaser that might be able to get that gunk off the insides of the salad well. You feel sorry for them when you are not busy hating them.

The "Power Trip" Manager
This person became a manger for one reason, and one reason only. To tell other people what to do. You know that part in "Waiting" when the manager is trying to convince Justin Long to become one and he says "You get to tell people what to do, and if they don't listen, they get in trouble!" This manager will lurk around corners, trying to catch you doing something wrong, and then actually smile when they confront you about it. If you are able to explain your actions rationally, their face falls when they realize you are not in the wrong. Usually they have a really shitty home life where they feel powerless and lame, so they come to work to feel like they are strong and respected. They will make you do random crap as punishment, or just because they CAN make you do it. I have had one make me clean the plate chiller because I didn't offer a wine sample. If you are just standing there, they might look at you and say..."sweep the alley!" just for fun. They also take joy in threatening you with write-ups for "insubordination" if you don't follow ridiculous and unimportant rules. "No, you may not go back and get the bread while he is buttering it, you have to wait until he brings it up. Why? Because I said so! I will write you up! For what you say? Insubordination!!"

The Sexy Manager
whether male or female, this manager is actually hot, a rare find! Everyone of a certain orientation wants to tap that, and knowing that it is so not allowed because of strict employee-manager non-fraternization rules (added bonus if they are also in a relationship, extra extra bonus if you are too!) makes it just too fun for everyone to pretend that something could ever happen. They flirt with everyone, everyone flirts with them. They use their looks to get employees to actually WANT to do stupid crap because somehow when they ask you, it doesn't sound so bad "Hey Jimmy, do you think you could floss every chair in the restaurant before you go, I forgot to have the servers do it...pleeeeeease? *big smile* Oh thanks so much, you're the best *arm squeeze*" The whole time Jimmy is flossing those chairs he will pretend hot manager finds him hot too (even though she probably doesn't).

The "Male Chauvinist" Manager
This manager is of the classic assumption that girls just aren't as good as boys. They're not as strong or as smart, but bi golly it just isn't their fault! They are just so darn pretty you can't hardly be mad at them! At the times when you aren't wishing this manager dead because they talk to you like you are a toddler, you take advantage of his archaic thinking when you mess up. You know you can go to him, give him your best dumb-girl doe-eyes and say "Gosh, I'm sorry, I don't know what I was doing." He will smile and think "poor girl, just can't help it!" He really hates it if you don't play his game though. Show him you are a smart chick and wont be treated like a dumb-ass and he will just think you are a dumb bitch instead of a dumb girl!

The "Man Hater" Manager
Long before you came along, young fella, this lady was wined and dined and ditched. She was humped and dumped, loved and left, wooed on and...pooed on. And you will pay the price young sir! Every man she sees reminds her of that asshole who did her wrong, left her with three kids to raise and a fat ass. Every chance she gets to make you feel like a piece of shit gets her one step closer to telling her baby daddy how he wronged her. You can't get away with anything, especially if you are good-looking and girls like you. She is pretty sure you are going to hurt someone like he hurt her and she already hates you for it. Sometimes the man haters also hate pretty girls, since they are probably going to steal some poor girls man from them, just like that one hussy did to her. She lives a sad life.

There are many more, and many possess one or more of these traits. Ah, the days of our lives!