slackertown, I'm the president

okay, I haven't written anything since before I went to Arizona. I just haven't felt that ravenous need to bitch online. Not that I haven't been bitching, just not online.

Being off for 5 days, just chilling at my brother's house, playing with his kids, did NOT make me like my job any more, or hate it any less I should say. I got to experience how nice it is NOT to be there and it just kind of made me depressed when I had to go back. I really really super hate serving more than ever, and I am working on trying to only do to go. It's just to hard for me to pretend I even remotely care about all the stupid crap they make us do, and I get really irritated about being chastised for not knowing the wine of the week or putting a bread basket on top of bread plates.

I just want to scream "this does not matter in the world! It doesn't matter to me! No one's life will be in any way improved by me doing or not doing this pointless crap!!"

Not that I ever thought serving changed lives for the better, but before you could just go about your business and get shit done and not concern yourself with all the rules and crap. Just make it look like you are doing things a certain way and you're good. Now it's full on war with the managers to try and make us into serving robots who do everything exactly a certain way and like it to boot. I have always thought it would be entertaining/revolting to actually list all the rules and procedures or what they call "service standards" just to see how ridiculous they are. So I'm going to, along with comments on why they are fucking dumb. Please let me know what I've missed. No one can remember it all, not even the people who make it up.

1. Greet the table within 30 seconds of them being seated. Even if you are in the kitchen and have no way of knowing you were sat, you are still "required" to do this. Never mind that people don't even have time to open their menu much less decide on drinks or appetizers. Just do it. 
2. You must greet the table in the following way:  "Thank you for choosing the Italian Restaurant, my name is waitress and I'll be taking care of you today. Are we celebrating any special occasion today? Can I start you off with an [alcoholic beverage suggestion] or maybe a [nonalcoholic beverage suggestion]?" take their drink order, then say "we have excellent [appetizer, with description] or my personal favorite [appetizer, with description], which of these would you like?" try not to make it sound like no is an option by asking them not if they want it, but which one they want. After forcing them to buy an appetizer, make sure to inform them that we offer sampling on wine and you would be thrilled to get them up to three samples. Also make sure to ask them if they have any time constraints. Thank them again and run off to get their stuff. When you actually do all this, people give you a confused/scared/overwhelmed look, like, "please stop talking and asking me questions!"
3. You must also keep an eye out for when your "service partner" or partners, as you could have two, get sat so you can go up to their tables and say "hello, my name is waitress and I'm waiters service partner tonight, so if there is anything that you need please feel free to ask me as well." This makes you responsible for the table getting good service, but without the hope of monetary reward. 
4. Get their drinks to the table within two minutes. Take their entree order but make sure to suggest something to them, and try to get them to buy extras like dipping sauce for the bread sticks. Ask them if they want soup or salad. Ring in the food and bring soup or salad and bread within two minutes. After placing them on the table, ask if they would like freshly grated cheese and grate as much as they would like. This must be done in front of them, not on the tray. There are no exceptions to these time limits as far as management is concerned. If you are busy and unable to meet them, you should find someone who is not busy to help you.
5. While waiting for their entrees, you must not only make sure your tables have enough of everything on the table, but also keep an eye on your service partners tables. If they are all okay, you should then go to the surrounding rooms and see if anyone else's tables need anything. This would not be an appropriate time to use the restroom or take a short break, as there is always something to be done. The only time we can take a break (which includes going to the bathroom) is when there is a breaker there to watch our tables, which is really only during dinner time, and only when they are ready to break you. Just tell your bladder to wait for the breaker.  
3. Drop the food at the table, grate cheese on each dish in front of the guest (never on the tray). Prebus all dishes. Check back after about 1 minute to see if everything is prepared correctly. 
4.When guests are slowing down, suggest dessert and ask if they would like boxes. Box the food for the guests tableside on a tray, never on the table, never allow guests to box their own food. Write the date and contents on each box. Prebus down to water glasses and napkins. At this time it would be appropriate to bring the check, if there is nothing else. However at lunch time, you should drop the check when you check on them after their food is dropped which is called "check back, check down"
5. Bring the check to the table and be sure to include a card that says your name and thanks them for dining with us, as well as one mint for each guest. It is not acceptable to bring more than 1 mint per guest. If there is a phone survey, a manager must drop the check. If there is an internet survey, you must point it out to the guest. Let them know you will be their cashier at their convenience. Take three steps away from the table and then look back to see if they are already reaching for their purse or wallet. If they are, return to the table. Every single check has an internet survey on it. This is so classless, like fucking Denny's or something. I am not going to tell my tables to go online and fill out a survey, they don't care, and they can read.
For a large party
1. For each 8 guests, there must be an additional server. Party of 7 has one server, party of 8 has two, party of 14 has two, and technically a party of 15 should have three but thankfully they don't normally enforce this. You are NEVER to take a party of 8 or more alone. Even if it is 5 toddlers and three adults, you have to have two servers. But unless they order 8 entrees, you can't add gratuity, so you have to share the tip on a tiny check. 
2. You must greet the large party together. There is no exception to this
3. You must each take half the parties drink orders, then bring them at the same time, take each halves entree orders, each ring them in under the large party system, and get and bring salad together. Basically treat it like two tables. There is no exception to this. If you are really really weeded it is not acceptable for your partner to take the entire drink order. They must wait until you are ready to take it together. But you also are required to greet within 30 seconds. Nevermind that this is nearly impossible, just do it. It's a requirement. The large party will be very upset if you don't do everything together. Back in the day we would just have one person be the face and take all the orders, and the other person be the mule, get all the drinks, get the salad, do all the footwork. This was a lot faster and more efficient, but that's not really what they're shooting for here.
Other Random "Standards"
1. Never call guests "guys" or say "no problem"
2. Bring everything out on a tray, even a glass of water
3. Always grate cheese in front of the guest, never in the kitchen, even if you know they want it
4. Never defend yourself when a guest is complaining. If they say they ordered it with chicken, even when you are 100% sure they didn't, admit fault and apologize. 
5. It is unacceptable to hug a coworker. You may give them high fives or handshakes only
6. No servers are allowed behind the bar, even to assist the bartender with washing dishes, etc


I am exhausted just trying to remember all the rules. I just can't handle pretending I care. I just want to do to go where no one bothers me and I am not getting "caught" doing something "bad" every ten seconds. Also, bitch manager is about to become the service manager which means she is actually in charge of the servers, as opposed to now when she just acts like she is. She has already threatened everyone with fucking with their schedules. I am applying for other jobs. At the very least, this needs to be a part time gig. 40 hours a week there will kill you. Slowly but surely. Sorry for the Sad Panda post.